insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
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If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.