insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG