Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.