@English_Channel

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

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@Ideal_Victoria

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

@Pro_Jones_

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

@mrkoodge

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

@RandomRamblr

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

@daemonic3

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

@patnspankme

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

@ThisLocalHater

Let me slip into something more comfortable.

*climbs into a wood chipper*

@Xoolun

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.