Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

🐥🐣

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through