[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
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A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Thrilling chase underway
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
👾👾👾
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
If you know, you know
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth