[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
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I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait