[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
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“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me