Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

SONOFA

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Muppet Screams

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

I’m ready to try another planet.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I