Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Every
Single
Year

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”