Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

*launders Kohls cash*

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.