*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
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It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!