I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.
*inside camp-out tent*
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me
[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Me: I regret nothing