@FrogAvalanche

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

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@hunz74

I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.

@thedad

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

@mommy_cusses

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

@PandAmonnia

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

@GrantTanaka

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

@PharmerRPh

Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.

@Fred_Delicious

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

@NewDadNotes

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing