[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
This fish is cracking me up
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Isn’t
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this