[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
my favorite gender
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
meow
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.