[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
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Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.