Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

Haha! 😂

no their not

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.