inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
You Might Also Like
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My whole life was a lie.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.