inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
congratulations to them
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.