[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.