Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.
You Might Also Like
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.