Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.