Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
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Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?