Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
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Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Wake me when AI does housework
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
#dalle2
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do