Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
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ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.