Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
be careful
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*