Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
You Might Also Like
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other