Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Well, this certainly took a turn
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.