Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.