Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

I feel attacked.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset