Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

My Guy

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.