Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
The funk soul brother
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.