[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy