A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Some people were born into their job.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”