Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
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Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
i think we should see other cousins
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.