Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
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Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner