Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
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So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”