Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
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I’m a bad influence on myself.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The first matador
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.