Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?