Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
You Might Also Like
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Need this in my life lol
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
HELP 😭
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.