Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I just ran a .003048K
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
zone out
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Generation gap…
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.