Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
when u come home smelling like another dog
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.