Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages