Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I’m ready to try another planet.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
This billboard speaks to me
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.