Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again