Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.