Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is