Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
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Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Things will get butter, keep churning
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
me when somebody idk start touching me
