Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

[shakes fist at other fist]

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

Software Development ⛵️

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.