inside you are two wolves
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…