Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
You Might Also Like
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
And that about sums it up.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”