Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
You Might Also Like
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Bros before Ohioes
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say