inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
You Might Also Like
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
And that about sums it up.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…