inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
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Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Art by Pastelkatto
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.