inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I wish I were this cool 😂
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.