inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
#Caturday
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Milk Cube
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I went from rags to one rag.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now