Inside you there are two wolves
You Might Also Like
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.