inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Seems a bit forward
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
