Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.