Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop