Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.