Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
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Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”