Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
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I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I’ve had relationships like this
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.