Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Unexpected Judgment
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.