Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
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I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I support this random dude and all his protests
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.