Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
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To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Worth the read.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
that’s really how it is
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible