Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth