Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
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My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
i wish we could shoplift online
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?