Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

Huge if true.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS