Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*