Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
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Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
#titanic
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?