Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
You Might Also Like
Hot Hot Hot
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
#DesignFail
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.