Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
😤😤
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
