Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

sign of the times 🖊

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

had to make it

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.