Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
this has to be peak English
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
multitasking lunch
