Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Y’all ready for this
