Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

🤣😂

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.